Archive for the ‘behold: the internet’ Category

Hardly worth noting, yet something I’m unable to ignore.  Sample last.fm tags for the Ritalin-and-tequila-fueled Weezer song “Hash Pipe”:

  • rock
  • alternative
  • alternative rock
  • indie rock
  • power pop
  • punk rock
  • alternative punk
  • geek rock
  • nerd rock
  • rockin
  • rock out
  • drugs
  • weed
  • marijuana
  • under the influence
  • cali baby
  • this is it [This is what?]
  • fucking awesome
  • needs to be in guitar hero
  • songs that should be in rock band
  • know how to play on guitar
  • rev my engine
  • cryptic lyrics
  • hooky rock
  • fire in the hole
  • druuugs
  • songs especially familiar to jordain
  • Sorry, Jordain.


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    Honestly, it’s like an addiction. Spam the Brain: Celebrity Edition!

    The body of this particular email informed me, Research has shown that 85% of women love a bigger, juicer and longer man meat. Honestly, if my boyfriend came with a bonus juicer, I would never let him go. Fresh fruit juice! Think of all the smoothie potential.


    Another suggested, When his wife is angry with you seen this chemist‎. If you ignore the grammar, this is pretty intriguing. Like the start to a novel. Why is his wife angry with me? Why isn’t she angry with him? Why isn’t he angry with me? Why isn’t my wife angry with me? Why aren’t I angry with anyone? And why do I need to see a chemist?


    If I was ever to write a book about Paris Hilton (an unlikely scenario), this would be the story I’d tell.

    Paris Hilton’s Vagina is #1‎
    Paris Hilton: I will give my Body to the Winner of the French Open‎
    Paris Hilton Becomes Mormon — Marries Paparazzi‎
    Paris Hilton Diagnosed As “Insane”‎

    I imagine I’ll be like the Judy Blume of the new generation.


    And some more drive-bys, to brighten your day.

    • Vagina Vague about Spears’ Return to Concert Form‎ (I note we’ve decided to skip the middleman and engage in discussion strictly with Britney’s vagina now.)
    • Prove your manliness! Take ÜberDik and be a man!‎ – The reflection of your size will stay forever in her eyes (This is almost poetic, actually.)
    • Hey man, you ever try pheromones? (You want a black market organ while you’re at it? I like the looks of ya; I’ll give one to ya cheap.)
    • Angelina’s Newborn Twins Marry Each Other‎ (I don’t care what country they were born in, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.)
    • Cindy Mccain Talks About Her Boobs‎ (Well. Okay.)
    • Mike Tyson To Fight Michael Jackson‎ (I think I know who’s gonna win.)
    • Yes it gets big, yes it gets strong, yes you can do it.‎ (If I wasn’t 99% positive they were discussing my manhood/sexual ability, this would actually be a pretty decent motivational speech. Actually, it still is.)
    • John McCain Takes the Olympic Gold in ‘Gymnastics’‎ (It’s the derisive, disbelieving use of the quotes around gymnastics that amuses me. Like the sender doesn’t quite believe that small girls jumping and twirling about is really a sport. Like cheerleading. Or figure skating.)

    Happy Friday!

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    Is it just me, or is spam mail getting more inventive? (And, subsequently, vastly more entertaining?) It used to just be claims that I could increase the size of my male organ, while simultaneously lowering my credit rating and paying off my student loan bills. (I would take any pill that would do that for me, incidentally.) Then for awhile there was an influx of mail claiming that the sender had “secret hidden webcam footage” of me. (The universe needed yet more video footage of a person typing for hours while yelling at the television, no?) Yawn.

    But then they realized they needed to be creative to really get my attention and not just have me mass-delete the contents of my spambox. And needless to say, it’s working. Some examples:

    Good iago suggestion (Perhaps they mean to imply I’m a struggling director attempting to cast my Shakespeare in the Park production of Othello?)

    22 Things You Can Do To Satisfy Your GF7 (My what? It sounds like a fancy car. Or a fancy computer. Or a fancy television. To be fair, however, these are all things I would want to keep satisfied. The spammer was correct in assuming my fear of robot uprisings.)

    And these ones I just can’t improve upon:

    • John Edwards Admits Fathering Clay Aiken’s Baby
    • Scientific Evidence Proves Hillary Full of Crap
    • Spongebob Denies Reports That He’s Gay
    • School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy
    • How To Break Up With Your Girl, Then Get Some Bootie Time!
    • 8-Foot Python Becomes Laundry
    • Man found humping mannequin

    In short, I award points for creativity.

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    I’m sure at this point in time, everyone’s heard about the website IMDb. Anyway, I don’t know how long this particular practice has been going on, but these days, under plot keywords, you’re expected to scroll over to find out particular keywords, because the people want to protect you from deadly spoilers. (I don’t judge one’s policies in the matter; I have a tendency to alternate back and forth between complete spoilerphobia and “whatever, bring it on!”, depending on what the film/show/book in question is.) It’s a nice enough practice, but the keywords are just as Joe Schmoe (of the Greenwich Schmoes) -submitted as anything else on the site. So while you get dreadful be-all, warning-worthy spoilers such as character deaths and transvestites and imaginary friends, you also have a tendency to get things like “Character Name In Title” or “Beautiful Women” or “Chicago Illinois”.

    Now, come on. Is that really a spoiler, guys? I can’t think of any instance where Chicago is suddenly an enormous second-act plot twist. (“And then he realizes all this time, he hasn’t been in Springfield, but in Chicago!”)

    All that being said, I was browsing a film (I won’t tell you what, maybe you can guess) when I came across the following keywords. (Spoiler alert!)

    • Misogyny
    • Dancing
    • Feel Good
    • Baklava
    • Baptism

    In what universe is “baklava” a spoiler? (“Dude, you’ll never believe it, but it turned out baklava was the killer all along!”)

    But I shouldn’t really complain, because after all, it’s the feel good-est movie about misogyny of the year!

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