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Posts Tagged ‘the letter format is so overdone’

Dear the bearded shirtless man (a.k.a., the patriarchal figure (presumably) of the Next Doors),

By all accounts, it is still October.  When I left this morning, barely beating out the sunrise, it was approximately thirty degrees, not even counting windchill.  I was wearing multiple layers and a winter coat.  You were… not.  You were, at seven in the morning, in October, in the Northeast, sitting on your porch, as bearded and shirtless as ever.  I appreciate that you bustled indoors once you heard me emerging from the safe cocoon that was my warm (oh so warm) abode, but it did not spare me the image of your vast, fleshy, perplexingly naked back shuffling off.

Does the beard keep you warm in the winter?  Is that it?  You don’t need all of those flashy Halloween decorations you put up circa-September.  When the small children approach your house tonight seeking candy, they’ll see you and be frightened enough.

Yours,

the Brain

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Dear my coworkers,

Internet use ‘good for the brain’.  So sayeth BBC News, at least, and they’re all British and stuff, so you know they’ve got their heads on all straight-like.  (Bet you thought I was going to make a joke about British dentistry right about here, didn’t you?  Well, this is a classy establishment, kids.  We have standards.  Leave your shoes by the door and use a damn coaster, mmkay?)  I mean, these are the people who’ve brought us that Willy Shakes dude.  And… tea, I think.  And the Queen!  So, I mean, clearly.  (Are we clear?)  The point is, science.  If you’re going to listen to “scientific” claims that an all-butter diet is going to save your heart/waistline/butterlust, then you can listen to some British nerds and maybe try and figure out how to work your printer, or not close down your virus scanning program in the middle of a scan just because “all those pop-ups are annoying.”

Speaking of annoyance, I wear mine on my sleeve.  Here’s hoping someone somewhere learns something.

Peace out,

the Brain

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Dear Tom Petty,

Don’t ever stop being awesome.  I recognize that in a lot of ways, it’s like asking a dolphin to stop swimming or a tree to stop undergoing photosynthesis.  It’s pure science, baby, pure chemistry.

Tp +  Gu + 5Hb +2Hb → Aw

(Tom Petty + Guitar + various Heartbreakers over the years → Awesome.  Can you tell it’s been a long time since I’ve taken any science classes?  My chemistry teacher is rolling in his grave right now.  If he were dead.  He might just be retired, now that I think of it.)

Anyway, I was having a conversation with a gentleman friend earlier about Tom Petty’s ability to write incredibly sad songs, to the point that even his happier songs have a faint trace of melancholy.  And yet, they never particularly go out of their way to make the listener unhappy.  It’s remarkable.  That, and the guitar on ‘Mary Jane’s Last Dance’ still makes me shiver.  But maybe I’m just a big ol’ softie.

What was my point, again?  Oh, right.

Thank you for being awesome, Mr. Petty, for being the common musical thread between all the people I hold dear, whether they love inoffensive white boy rap or eighties synth pop, whether their CD collection includes Donovan or Death Cab for Cutie.  It’s a beautiful thing.  Please don’t ever change, and please don’t ever stop runnin’ down your dream.

Yours,

the Brain

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